You Make My Karkat Go Doki Doki: Alternian Tales 1
by Palutena
Summary: Karkat and Dirk alongside with best friend Roxy engage in some fun times, when unexpected lovers barge in... Kanaya and Eridan begin to flirt, will they ever fulfill their wildest dreams together, or will it just end up in another... SPLIT-UP. Ba-dum tss.


"FUCKASS, WHAT ARE U DOING IN MY HOUSE!" Karkat shrieked like my mom. Dirk stood up and winked "It's Valentine's Day." he purred like a cat in heat. "Dirk should he join us." Roxy smiled, her eyes like a smiling moon on midnight but I'm not allowed to stay up til midnight or else I can't play xbox. "No Roxy" he sniffled, crying on his own man titties. "Why?" Roxy snuggled. "Because of… that day."

That day was a milestone in Dirk's life. He moved into a condo in New York with his roommate… Karkat "Sugar" Vantas. He called himself Sugar because he thought he was sweet. After two years, he was not sweet, Dirk believed, but SOUR.

It all began on a fateful Friday night. Dirk was listening to the latest Biggie Smalls CD while Karkat was playing Mario Party. "May I play too" Dirk slide into the living room like a snake in heat. "OK!" Karkat shouted. They played Mario Party. Dirk was winning by a star and then the final screen happened. "If you won the most minigames u win a star" Toad shouted out of his butthole. "I bet it was me" Dirk folded his arms and grinned like a candy cane. How would he have not win? He was the best minigamer in all of Taiwan. All the Taiwanians were like, "Dirk you're the best." "And the winner of the minigame star is PEACH" (AN: peach was the karkat) "NO!" Dirk was upset. He felt a lot of blood rush to his nipples. He took his can of soda and POURED IT ALL ON THE TELEVISION SCREEN. Dirk was taken aback, so aback that he knocked the sofa down. "Karkat you're never allowed into my future threesomes anymore and for that matter get out of this condo!" Dirk frowned, pointing his smelly finger to the door because he doesn't wash his hands regularly. "OK!" Karkat shouted in agreement.

"That is why he cannot go to the threesome" Dirk shook his head. "Ok." Roxy said. Karkat was kicked out. They would not be touching his alien rocket today. Dirk smiled and then said, "How about we do some reverse cowgirl Roxy" he smiled like The Lone Ranger but pretend it was a good movie so it's a good reference. "But that hurts!" Roxy shrieked "DIABETES HURTS BUT YOU DON'T SEE ME YELLING!" Dirk whispered. "Oh... I didn't know you had that disease." Roxy put a hand to her headache like her head hurt but it didn't. "I didn't." Dirk smiled at the camera. Wait a minute, Dirk thought in his stupid male head. He never installed cameras in his house. He installed cameras in Jake's house but that was one time and when he was caught he apologized for it a lot. He didn't install cameras in ROXY'S house.

A tiny foot kicked open the door. It was Jane. "I saw what you were going to do!" Jane shouted, putting her hands to her hips. "You can't just put cameras in my house Jane and then yell at me!" Roxy coughed. "Oh ok." Jane phased through the door and left the city to raise a family. *(See Jane's Motherly Adventures Issue #1)*

"Can we fuck now?" Dirk moaned like a walrus in heat. "Yeah but if we fuck you have to watch the entire first season of Survivor with me." Roxy puckered her lips. "But I hate Kelly Wiglesworth what kind of last name is Wiglesworth." Dirk moaned like a gay badger. "I don't fucking care just do it later" Roxy grabbed Dirk's face and slammed it to the bed pillow. Dirk giggled at the sensation of pain. His bRONER could not be contained in his pants. He pulled out a vibrator. "Put that away" Roxy shook her head and pointed to the baby in the middle of the room. "The baby is watching." He grabbed the vibrator and jammed it into the baby's face. The baby moaned in pleasure. The baby was John. "I'm John, John Egbert." the baby sulked in pleasure. Dirk glared at the baby before grabbing him and forcing him into his anus. Dirk then woke up from under the covers. "Dirk honey wake up why were you such a penis head all night." Roxy looked oddly at her lover. "Because Dearie Butt," Dirk began with her least favorite pet name, "IT WAS ALL A DREAM."

* * *

Excerpt 1:

Eridan looked at Kanaya and her _sexy (AN: ;j)_ body features, a single bead of sweat rolled down the side of his face. " _ **Wwoww, Kan, I didn't knoww you were so sexy**_." observed Eridan. Kanaya's head turned on over to Eridan, eyes becoming wide. I worry all day everry day. About whats waiting inm the bushes of love

* * *

 **Karkat and the Alterneers**

It was a beautiful day in Alternia, and shit. Karkat smelled the roses and the air and whispered, "WHAT A FUCKASSERY GOOD DAY." He was the lead singer of his hit new band, Karkat and the Alterneers. He sings, Sollux does a wicked guitar, Aradia's on the drums, and the DJ is Vriska. Gamzee is also the roadie but he mainly lays in the tour bus and smokes pot. "Hehehe Karkat you should BEEE happy that our record went platinum" Sollux the bee troll buzzed.

His bee words were correct. Their album, "FUCKASS AND TAKE NAMES" went platinum gold and silver, and the Alternian rock critic said that their hit songs were the best of the sweep. With songs like "Pollution is Bad," "I Love You (I Guess?)" and "Bees Make My Weewee Explode" (Sollux's suggestion), everyone loved them. Nepeta had a Karkat and the Alterneers fanclub and will always get kicked out of their live performances because of the faithful panty-raid of 1957.

"IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT SINGLE GUYS," Karkat moaned like when you soak your garbage body in a bath of water, "WHAT'S IT GONNA BE CALLED?" Vriska chuckled, because this bitch chuckled at anything everyone has ever said ever. "How aboooooooout we call it the Daaaaaaaance of a Thoooooooousand Sp88888888ders?" she cooed. "Vriska we go over this every day," Aradia frowned "That title sounds fucking awful." Vriska chuckled and walked center stage. "Oh yeaaaaaaaah? Waaaaaaaatch meeeeeeee." Vriska proceeded to do the Dance of a Thousand Spiders. It was like if you squatted your legs and walked like a crab for, like, ten minutes. The other band members moaned. "If only _Kanaya_ was here to help us," Terezi said, "She would've made other good lyrics." Sollux's faced scrunched up like you fucking punched a bee and grabbed Terezi by the collar. "Don't you BEEEE a fuckhead and mention her! We fired her because of that Panty Raid of 1957!"

One flashback ago, everyone in 1957 were a happy bunch. It was a very sepia day and Kanaya closed her lyric book. "Wow Everyone I Have Just Written Like A Shit Ton Of Songs," she said with a gung-ho attitude. The gang cheered. Sollux put her arm around Kanaya. "I'm going to BEEEEEE the best guitarist ever!" Kanaya frowned at him. He was terrible at puns. But before their first big live show, Karkat and Vriska were so upset- their panties, they were missing! "A FUCKASS OR TWO HAVE STOLEN OUR PANTIES" he repeated the narration. Kanaya waddled out of her tour bus and giggled. "Me And Nepeta Stole Them Bitches Haha" she said very proper-like.


End file.
